I was watching a documentary recently on the life of Bobby Kennedy - a man for whom I had great respect. When they began telling the story of his assassination, quite unexpectedly, a hidden reservoir of emotion broke loose from deep within me and I began to weep. Torrents of hidden pain and grief emerged as if from nowhere, and I re-lived the moment, yet unresolved. Everyone speaks of how the death of JFK had such a profound effect on their life, but for me, and millions of others, it was the death of Bobby that had the power to mutate our thoughts and attitudes for a lifetime.
He was the third hero to die. John was a tremendous shock. Martin was almost expected yet nonetheless terribly disheartening. But Bobby, well, when Bobby died, the final hopes and dreams of an entire generation died with him. He carried our hearts to his grave. He carried the last vestige of hope. He left us destitute, and angry, very very angry.
I was lying in bed that morning when mom yelled up the stairs, "They've shot Bobby Kennedy. He's dead." That was all she could say. I couldn't even get up. I just laid there and gave up on the world, on God, on life.
Defiance against pastors, parents and presidents has been embedded into our life-style for so long that we cannot see or feel it anymore. It is automatic - eluding all subsequent attempts normally engendered by the maturity of years and life experiences to reform and renew our world view and outlook on life. Deep inside, we are still seething with hurt and pain over the day that Bobby died.
Many have defiantly waved their rebellion in the face of God through sexual perversion, removal of God from schools and institutions, from life, religious ambiguity and syncretism,and the holocaust of abortion,while others have repressed or denied their rebellion even in the midst of attempts at making their peace with God through faith in Jesus Christ.
I submit that this phenomenon of unresolved, hidden anger at God and those He puts in authority over us is in large part the reason for the mediocrity and superficial nature of our walk with God. It plays a great part in keeping the church weak and compromising. We simply cannot trust God. Nor can we give ourselves fully to Him, lest our hopes be dashed and we lose at love once again. And so, we go through the formal steps of becoming believers because it is the "smart" or the "right" thing to do, and quickly cool off into complacency and hypocrisy, having a form of godliness but denying the power thereof.
We cannot achieve intimacy with God because we still hold anger and resentment toward Him, buried deep within our subconscious. We hold ourselves as judges over Him, still demanding an accounting for the tragedies of our lives before we will fully commit. We hold unforgiveness and a judgmental attitude toward the only one who has ever truly, perfectly loved us. Deep inside, we have yet to forgive Him for Bobby, and the other lost loves that Bobby symbolizes. We do not trust God and so we cannot fully gives ourselves to Him.
No matter what the cause for anger against God, we cannot move forward until we recognize and confess to the rebellion that still lies within our heart and repent of it. In a very real way, we must yield our unanswered questions and our hurts to God based solely on the one evidence He has given us - His death on the Cross for us. It is proof enough of not only His innocence in any wrongdoing, but also of His unbounded love and sacrificial heart toward us.
Rightfully so, God says we must give our hearts fully to Him. We must trust Him completely and seek Him fervently. We must commit our lives totally, forsaking our love of sin and the things of the world in order to live lives guided and empowered by the Holy Spirit. We are to forsake and renounce evil and worldliness. We are to consider ourselves strangers to this world and the things of the world. We are to fall headlong into a deep, intimate, committed relationship with the God of the universe and receive from Him the power to live according to His holy standards.
- from "Mastering Life" Newsletter # 7